The Book

Introduction:
This book is the product of days of in-depth research, painstaking surveys, and long, grueling, sleepless nights. We, as a male race, set out to clarify the common mysteries, misconceptions, and downright lies surrounding our gender. The motivation for this book? It was asked of us to compile this, and because of our generous nature, we agreed. It is never our desire to make understanding us hard, confusing or otherwise complicated. We hope that this book will allow for a better understanding of the male race as a whole, or at least a better understanding of the authors.

It has been brought to our attention that some people may think us not valid representatives of our gender, thus making this book a waste of trees. I would like to point out, however that we have a combined 62+ years experience being male. Over this time we have come into contact with males that women would call the “typical male.” (1). We have been around other males for a good portion of our lives. We have learned things about them and can, in turn, give you this information. If you still feel that we are not valid sources for this information, get over it. We know these things and we know that they are true. Accept it.

Finally, we would just like to point out the format of this book and explain what this says about us. We set out to create a book, a reference manual of sorts, and there was no need to create a flowery looking book. This book, like most males, is very easy to understand, and very to the point. Inside you will find no flowers, no frills, no “artistic lines” whatsoever. If you have a question, look it up, it is answered. We hope that you enjoy this manual and hope that it has in someway enlightened you. If we missed anything in this version, let us know, and look for a revision in the future.

*****Disclaimer*****
This book is based on generalities, and while our hatred of them has been duly noted, they can be based in fact and are put to use here. There are exceptions to almost every rule, and we are sorry, but that is they way it is. This book outlines basic philosophies and strategies that 9 times out of 10 will work and apply to every male.

(1) My hatred of generalities aside, the typical male is no more typical then that typical human being: A 150-pound female with brown eyes, brown hair. She makes 40,000 dollars a year and has 2.7 children. Do you have 2.7 children? Me neither. Shows you how much “typical” is worth

Our prize possessions:

Remote Control

Steering Wheel (no, you cannot drive)

Game Systems (not a replacement for you, but think about it, they can be enjoyed anytime of the day, any day of the year)

Sundays (Sunday=Sports. If God can rest on Sunday, so can I)

Our toys (computers, cars, tools, sports equipment, etc...)

Annoyances/Pet Peeves: Stuff about you that annoy us to no end, but that we put up with only because we love you!

How you take forever to get ready. You're gorgeous; you know we think that, because we've told you so... your taking two months to get ready for a party we would love to escape from an hour after our arrival does not make sense to us.

How you pack obscene amounts of stuff for overnight trip. Why is it that women don't understand that, when traveling overnight, only one outfit is required? You do not need three pairs of shoes, and multiple outfits for an overnight trip to, say, Chicago. The only thing you need is, MAYBE, two pairs of shoes (should you be going out to a fancy dinner or something along those lines), two outfits MAX (again, should you be attending a fancy shindig of some sort), one set of undergarments, and that pouch that you carry all your makeup crap in. This can easily fit into an overnight bag: hence the term, “overnight bag”. Hair dryers are standard in every hotel room-no need to bring with. Irons/Ironing boards are available-no need to take with. You don't see us packing the television on overnight trips, do you? If something's available at the hotel, men understand that there's no need to pack it. A male who is very good in the luggage packing department won't even pack a toothbrush, toothpaste, and razor- those, after all, are given away complimentary at the hotel-don't pack what you don't need to take with you!

Chick Flicks, enough said. While we will watch them with you, this is rarely because we think we will enjoy them. We do this because we want to spend time with you... and it's easier to say yes than argue and fight about it for the next week.

Your ridiculous obsession with shoes, 5 Pairs of shoes will fit any occasion.

1. Black Dress Shoes
2. Brown Dress Shoes
3. Tennis Shoes
4. Sandals
5. POSSIBLY a Pair of Sport Shoes (Cleats, Skates, ETC...)

How you cannot put up with shopping with us for an hour in an electronics store, but we are supposed to go shopping all day with you at the “new store in town”. To tell you the truth, we get off more on a Pioneer 50" 16:9 Widescreen HD-Ready PureVision Plasma TV with PureDrive (refer to picture below), then we do on “clothing” at Victoria's Secret.

What are we thinking?

I'd like a beer and I'd like to see something naked (thank you Jeff Foxworthy... this is an opportunity to skip a little, the rest of this section, in some shape or form, does relate directly to this statement... to save time, skip to “Problems”)

We mean what we say. Very rarely will we lie about an important matter such as “Do I look good? Etc..” The only time that we may not be completely truthful is when we know that you look just fine and we are late for something.

Our favorite sexual fantasy isn't always a threesome: we're sure it'd be a lot of fun if we tried it, but odds are, regardless of what it is, it involves you, so don't worry. Besides, it's hard enough to make one girl happy at a time, what the hell would we do with two (or three, or four, or... well, you get the point)?

We don't always think about sex, but if your asking...

Regardless of what you may think, these sports are interesting; baseball, football, racing, golf, basketball, hockey, and tennis (other sports may apply, discuss in person with male in question)... Let us watch them

If you catch us looking at another girl, get over it. We were just looking, and regardless of our ability to actually date them, if we wanted to be with them, we wouldn't be with you. When you look at another guy, do we question your motives? No. Did we didn't even notice you looking? No. Do we care? No. Take a Hint.

We DO go to hooters for the wings and we DO go to the Strip Bars for the alcohol... sometimes

Don't give up on guys; we're not all scum

You look amazing no matter what you're wearing. If you have just rolled out of bed, you have sweat pants on, a sweatshirt, and your hair is a mess, that is sexy! You don't have to try so hard. What ever you are wearing is sexy.

Girls See	Guys See
Scantily Clad, drop dead Gorgeous women
Threat to holding on to their man	Nice to look at, hard to keep
Conclusion: Nothing to worry about
Hair Cuts
A time for compliments	Time to get in trouble for not noticing change
Conclusion: Time for men to worry... your woman just paid for the opportunity to win a fight
The Mall
A place for hours and hours of entertainment, until your shopping partner puts up a big enough fight to ruin the afternoon and lose his chance for any... um... lose his chance to watch sports the next day... yeah... sports...	A place where spooning your heart out starts to sound like fun. The only places where we would willingly go, we're not allowed in, and if shopping occurs here, we can't help with the shopping (i.e. Frederick's of Hollywood, Victoria's Secret)
Conclusion: Hell
Marriage/The Wedding
An event that brings a couple together and lets them join together to become one. A joyous occasion that is to be looked forward to and anticipated	"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury." Groucho Marx "If all you want is free peanuts, there's a lot of more cost effective ways to get them." Jeff Foxworthy
Conclusion: The Jury's Still Out...

Q & A: Questions directly from you, answered by us!

Why can't guys judge other guys' looks?

Guys don't care about their looks. Girls look at other girls and say, “that looks cute, I should try that”. Therefore girls look at other girls and know what is attractive. Since guys don't care about their looks, they also don't care about other guys' looks. It is for this reason that we cannot judge the attractiveness of another male.

What do guys truly want from a girl?

If you want to know what we truly want from a girl, follow the K.I.S.S. philosophy. Keep it simple, stupid; subtle hints don't work. For the most part we are looking for a person that we can hold close to us, joke with about anything, talk to about anything and ultimately, someone to lay down next to each and every night of our life. If you want something, ask for it. If you don't want to do something, tell us, etc. (we're a very understanding creature... you say something straight and we understand). If you want to know what we want, we want you to be straightforward with us and tell it like it is! On a related note, know that all men are very big fans of the S.U.N philosophy: Show Up Naked.

Why do men think driving fast and pretending to be macho will impress all women?

Because it attracts attention, and, given that we don't suck at it, it will attract attention from very hot women. How many racecar drivers do you know that are either; A) single because they can't find a date or B) married to an ugly woman?

Why do men have issues communicating?

It's really all about how you look at it. If you wanted to communicate with us about football, or poker, or video games, we could communicate rather well. But when you want to communicate about feelings and such, we don't feel the need to drag everything into the open. Admittedly, communication is important, but questions like “What are you thinking about?” are totally out of line and a waste of time. The answers will, 90% of the time, be “Nothing,” with the remaining 10% of the time being “You.” (We're sweet like that) Our “issues” are not with communicating in general, but with communicating about matters that will not be resolved through communication

What does it mean when a guy says he wants to spend the night with you, but will leave when a friend calls?

We have no idea; we've never done this. General consensus, a night with one girl is better than a night with one guy. This is not to say that we will not occasionally go out with a group of guys instead of hanging out with you. You have your girl's nights; we can too... “Guys Only.”

When guys say they want to be friends after a breakup, why is it that that never really happens? Does the girl need to put more effort into it?

This goes both ways. Things change after a breakup; no matter how good of friends you may have been before you dated, it is different now. It's not a matter of effort put into it, it's a matter of whether or not it's even plausible in the first place. The reason for this is that there generally is a reason that one person broke up with the other one, most likely something that annoyed the hell out of them. They ended the relationship so as to not be around that particular trait anymore, which doesn't lend itself well to friendship. Other times, the parties involved do not know how to act around each other “as friends.” Thus, after the breakup, the two people are not around each other. This is to help in the process of breaking up. But after being separated, it is hard to just be friends ever again, more often then not.

Why can two guys not hug? Are you that insecure?

It is not a matter of not being able to, nor is it a question as to us being insecure, rather a matter of not needing to. If another male were sad and needed comfort, we could hug him, but a pat on the back and a firm handshake give all the comfort a man needs. A male feels more comfort from another male in the form of a handshake than a hug could ever convey. Thus if this can do, why do more. We don't hug not because we can't, but because we don't need too.

Why do guys never talk to other guys about girls? I mean we talk about other guys to our girlfriends all the time.

Would you go to an Italian restaurant to get good Chinese food? Then why would we go to someone who is probably just as clueless as we are for the answer to a question? If we have a question about a female, the best person to talk to (besides that female) is another female. And as a side note, you may be much less confused if you were to ask another male friend if you had a question about a male. After all, we are much closer to the male you have a question about then on of your random girlfriends. If you ask us, we will tell you.

Why do guys like boobs so much?

There are two schools of thought on this subject. There are boob guys and there are ass guys. Every guy likes one more then another. The authors are in a 2:1 ratio on this. As for the boobs, guys like to play with things that they don't have. And while some males have “man-boobs”, more often then not, boobs are one of those things.

Why don't guys call when they say they will?

The principle that makes this rule true is mentioned earlier. The goldfish Principle. Most of the time, it isn't that a guy doesn't want to call you; it is just that at first, he doesn't want to look too desperate, so he waits. While he is waiting, he forgets. Ever forget, happens to us... We know that we could try to remind ourselves that we should call you, but sometimes we forget to do that too. So, we have now waited a while and finally we remember... Now what? Should we call? Has it been to long? Will she remember/want to talk to me? What if she's mad? All these things going through our head; all for you.

What is it with men and not asking for directions when they are lost?

Men don't get lost. We know exactly where we are at all times. You may not know, and therefor you need to ask for directions, but we know. Also, we don't like to show weakness. Being lost is a weakness. If we think we know where to go, or where we are, we aren't lost, and therefore don't need to stop for directions. When we do get lost, we first look to other men for advise. If we don't know maybe they do. All of this is of course dependent upon the people around. If it is just a man and his significant other, then some of this doesn't apply. He still doesn't want to show weakness, but he is more ok with it because it is not a man that is with him.

Why don't men read directions when putting something together?

We would like to believe that a set of shelves or a small lamp would not be so difficult to do that we need directions. We do look at directions for larger things like a corner desk, or a kids bicycle. Also, depends on the application of the thing we are putting together. If it is for us, we don't care if it is perfectly sturdy, so we don't need to be that particular. But if it is a gift we need to make sure that our craftsman ship is perfect so that people remember as they are using the gift that the giver was a good, competent person.

Why do guys think that girls are so complex? Girls are just as complex as guys are!

- answer pending... -

How come, if you go to a guy for a problem, they give the dumbest idea ever as the solution?

- answer pending... -

Why do guys always have to try and be "Macho Men" and try to fix everything?

- answer pending... -

The TEN Commandments for REAL MEN

1. Thou shalt not drink thy neighbors last beer

2. Thou shalt leave the changing of empty toilet paper roll to the lady of thine house

3. Thou shalt remember thy Stooges and keep them holy

4. Thou shalt leave up the seat of toilets both public and private

5. Thou shalt not ask for directions or follow installation instructions

6. Thou shall not lie, unless the lie shall serve ye better than the truth; However...thou shalt lie like a dog when the lie keeps another male out of trouble with his female

7. Thou shalt light, supervise, and maintain control of all outdoor cooking and grilling equipement

8. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbors wife without telling thy brethern who and why thou art coveting

9. Thou shalt always retain posession and control of the remote control in thine own dwelling

10. Thou shalt not purchase feminine hygiene products

Girls: Do not...

...pout to get your way

...get mad when we give you an honest answer

...say “whatever you want to do is fine with me” and then be pissed all night long when we do what we want to do, not what you want to do

...under any circumstances, kick, punch, step on, or otherwise harm the family jewels (unless you are getting raped). As a matter of fact, any non-sexual contact isn't welcome. This is not something you joke about. When we cringe when seeing another male get hit there, it really does hurt. Nothing outside of childbirth (and that is debatable, you have drugs. I believe we have won this argument!) is comparable. End of Story
“My scrotum is not a punching bag”
- On a related note, don't rub the lamp if you don't want the Genie to come out.

...use the guilt trip, it is extremely dangerous. Sometime in the future you won't be trying to use the guilt trip but we should feel guily for something and we won't. Want to know why? It was the girl that cried guilt!

...yell at us for leaving the toilet seat up. If we can touch it to put it up, you can touch it to put it down.

...use crimes committed in the relationship, as are null and void in an argument two weeks after the statement was made...don't punish us because we don't have that great of a memory. Besides, if, in an argument, the best thing you can come up with happened more than two weeks ago, obviously we're pretty good, so realize that, and walk away from the disagreement. We will understand we didn't win, and you'll understand you didn't lose; save us both our time, and just let us finish watching ESPN.

Girls: What not to ask (Questions to which the answer will always be NO):

Do I look Fat?

Does this make me look fat?

Wanna have a threesome... with another guy?

Is that Actress/Musican/model/random girl on the street hot?
- If you do ask it, and we are truthful, don't get mad, you asked, we answered, it is called communication. If we are NOT truthful, even if you know it, remember this; we lied to save our ass, so get over it... no, it doesn't mean we're always lying to you, but better to say no and avoid the problem, than to have it thrown back in our face later that night/week/month/year/millennia... yes, you do have a memory that works that well, no, we don't understand how you remember anything that happened more than five minutes ago... why do you think the instant replay was invented?

Privacy:

For guys, it is perfectly acceptable to walk around the house in our underwear. (It is actually encouraged that you do so as well... you wearing only underwear is something we would thoroughly enjoy)

Guys do not need to go to the bathroom in groups. You may ask why, and here's the reason; because there is a very strict set of rules that are instinct to the male portion of the species.

1) No talking

2) No wandering eyes. The only acceptable place to look is directly at the tile in front of you while at the urinal. Normally the restaurant/convenience store/bar/etc. is an understanding establishment, there will be reading materials posted against the wall for your convenience.

3) There must be a one urinal buffer between each male. If there are three urinals in the bathroom, and you are the only one in there, you must choose one of the outside urinals. The next male to enter the room will choose the other outside one. The only time it is acceptable to deviate from these rules is in an extremely crowded environment. Example, A major Sporting Event. (See Fig. 1)

4) If there are three urinals, and a stall, and the two outside urinals are being used, the stall is next in line. This is the obvious choice; what else is it there for? (See Fig. 2)

5) If there are four urinals, the two outside are used. If another male comes in, and the two outside are in use, the male is in quite a pickle. Now he must rely on his ability to determine ETE. Estimated time of Exit. He guesses which current client will be done first. He then chooses the urinal next to that client. (See Fig. 3)

6) If there are walls in between urinals, the buffer rules does not apply (the first two, however, remain in full effect) (See Fig. 4)

Showers... Guys may very well shower in the same room as other guys with no problems. We don't need a shower curtain, or even a stall for that matter. However, the same urinal rules apply because of this fact. Unlike the buffer rule for urinals, there is no valid reason to deviate. Ever.

Sleeping together... Normal guys don't do this (possible exception is if the males in question are on opposite sides of a female, and the collective group are friends). The only guys that do this are... well... we question their sexuality. If two men have to share a hotel room and there's only one bed, one will sleep on the floor. End of discussion.

Problems: Our thoughts

If guys talk about their problems, it is because they are looking for an answer. If they feel they already have the answer, or that the company that they are in cannot help them with the problem, they don't talk about it.

Guys are dense most of the time, if there's a problem don't assume we know, don't be subtle, don't hint, just tell us.

If you want a problem solved, we are the people to come to. If you just want to complain about something and don't plan on doing anything about it, call a girlfriend.

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, “Why are you crying?”

The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into the water, and he needed the axe to make his living.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. “Is this your axe?” the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, “No.”

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. “Is this your axe?” the Lord asked. Again, the woodcutter replied, “No.”

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. “Is this your axe?” the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, “Yes.”

The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, “Why are you crying?”

“Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!” The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez. “Is this your wife?” the Lord asked.

“Yes,” cried the woodcutter.

The Lord was furious. “You lied! That is an untruth!” The woodcutter replied, “Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to Jennifer Lopez.” (Please note that this man turned down the opportunity to have three wives, obviously we've got other things than sex on our mind during different parts of the day).

The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others. And if you believe you've caught us in a lie, unless you have it on tape, we didn't do it. That's our story, and we're sticking to it!